Dr. Emiline Johnston-Levy has today expressed her deep regret in entrusting something so basic as common human decency to her students today. Students allege the 48 year old professor, a seasoned academic with two PhDs in Middle Eastern politics, handwrote an innocuous bit.ly link to a Google Doc on the whiteboard with the intention of sparking an interesting conversation on political instability in Syria, yet was met with something else entirely.
The bored students, many of whom likely hungover from an UMSU organised trivia tournament the night before in which their SSAF was put to good use on kegs of watery beer and cheap pizzas, were quick to abuse the trust granted to them.
Johnston-Levy expressed to the Salamander that their incapacitation was no excuse for their actions. “Some of them just wrote the word ’penis’,” she huffed at us. “Like that’s clever! How is that clever?! If this is the generation we’re trusting the future of our planet to, we’re all doomed.”
Many of her students were unapologetic over their actions. “Empirically, there’s no way she didn’t know this was coming,” one student, who wished to remain anonymous, told us. “I would genuinely like to know if there has been one single instance of this sort of thing working. Literally just once.”
Madeleine, another student from the class, had been switching between Facebook, Mamamia.com, the Iconic and ASOS and hadn’t managed to get the bit.ly URL into a new tab before the clock hit 10:55.
“What are you guys talking about?” Once she had been filled in, she didn’t seem affronted. “Fuckin duh though. Don’t know what she expected.”