Despite the fact that everyone was having a good time and absolutely no one was at all in favour of switching the aux from the All Australian Mix to something more “modern”, someone you’ve never met at this party is about to ruin it for you, the Salamander has been informed earlier this evening.
At about 9:30, Daryl Braithwaite’s slapper “The Horses” was met with the enthusiasm of a white middle-aged suburban parent listening to the Oils on January 26. The impromptu dance floor in the living room with the couch pushed to the side saw swollen numbers thanks to the donations from the Hilltop Hood’s “Nosebleed Section”, Jimmy Barnes’ solo masterpiece “Working Class Man”, Men at Work’s “Down Under” and Australian Crawl “Boys Light Up”. Missy Higgins’ the “Special Two” and Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion” were all, tragically, queued to be played next.
The night would have gone down in history, if a Xavier Old Boy who had spent most of the night ripping durries in the backyard in his pursuit of a girl with a septum piercing, hadn’t felt the need to pretend a home-brand Saturday at Xe54 had come early.
The foreboding “oi, this is gay as”, croaked out with the same tenor as your pack-a-day aunt from Carrum Downs, was followed by an alarmingly personal tirade of incoherent cuss words before the self-proclaimed “Avicii of Kew East” proceeded to unceremoniously rip the aux out of the host’s iPod Nano, replacing it with the musical equivalent of a Michael Bay Blockbuster.
Witnesses have described the muzzing that followed as “oblivious” and “just fucken [sic] unpatriotic”.