The Salamander today has received several alarming reports that an 18-20 year old caucasian male at the University’s Parkville campus is reportedly riding past people in order to get to his next tutorial on a hired oBike. The offender was seen sporting a hessian shoulder bag, a REMI shirt, $140 Nike Trainers and a poor sense of public decorum as he zoomed past mortified onlookers. Why he couldn’t walk, as the rest of us do, has not yet been made apparent.
Whilst the University prides itself on being a pro-cycling, pro-environment, and definitely not pro- investment in fossil fuels no matter what those pesky protesters say, the incoming Vice Chancellor Palpatine says that campus should be “a safe environment to learn” and “no place to wave your dick around like that”.
“Seriously, think about it,” he told the Salamander. “Consider the ramifications if something like this were to become widespread. It would be chaos.”
Even Jemimah Heritage, co-convenor of the Greens on Campus urged caution for those who were thinking of following in the local wanker’s footsteps. “Doing your bit for the environment is good, sure, but not at this cost. We don’t need this bile on our campus. End of story. We all owe each other basic human respect.”
More as it comes.