90% of Laughs During Lectures are Pity Laughs, Study Confirms

After making a sidesplitter about the future of right-wing populism and the ongoing soap opera of Donald Trump’s increasingly strained mental health at the beginning of his first year politics lecture this afternoon, Professor Dean Clark thought he’d landed a killer as the room erupted in appreciative huffs.

However, a study conducted by the Salamander would provide the most devastating news to Clark since his 2015 divorce., The study found that 90% of the time, pretending to find him attractive, young and funny would be a far less excruciating endeavour than sitting in the 10-second silence he’d left after his premeditated attempt at postmodern nihilistic “meme” humour.

The survey results found that across a set of 50 lectures with a total sample size of 62 bored, felt hat wearing flat-white drinkers, only 10% described Dr Clark’s wisecracks as “mildly amusing” or funnier. The other 90, it has been confirmed, were only “trying to be nice” and “leave the world a little better than the way they found it”.

“I’ve heard four of the same Trump jokes in one lecture before,” a first year politics veteran told the Salamander, after Dr Clark’s week 3 lecture on Critical Theories of Human Rights. “It took everything in me to force myself to smile appreciatively and nod every time I heard it. I swear to God, it took years off my life.”

Health science officials are yet to make any recommendations in light of the findings, but the Salamander has been assured that there is no immediate danger to the health and wellbeing of the students.

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