Socially Anxious Science Undergrad Rehearses “I’ve Already Voted” Line 26 Times In Head Before Approaching Baillieu
“I made a rant post on Unimelb Love Letters against student politicians but it didn’t seem to do the trick. Really shutting them down to their face though – boy, it doesn’t get better than that.”
Losing it cuts a deeper blow than we, at the Salamander, being city-slickers with no comprehension of the world beyond our tiny elitist bubble, could ever understand.
Editors of Mediocre Student Blog Thing Crack 67 Likes, Reward Themselves Again with Well-Deserved 105 Day Break
"When this bad boy hits 100 they’ll come crawling back, don’t you worry. Just gotta wait for the midsems to finish up first.”
"Jemima Copple, Shadow Director of the pretty-much-Leninist/socialist-but-not-quite Stand Up! ticket has confirmed that they’ll be using “Love Letters” as a cornerstone in their campaign this year."
"He jumped the footpath next to it like a hundred times and kept asking everyone how far they thought it was to prove he could make the distance... It’s on my snap story if you wanna have a squiz.”
“I’m sure those of you familiar with the workings of the cosmos understand that operating under such turbulent decisions throws not only our little Green family into troubled waters, but threatens the very spirit of the movement itself. Namaste”
“I’m just having a ball,” he told us, climbing off the o’week bus, in the afterglow of 1000 “Monash is a second preference university” jokes. “Really just doing all I can to make the most of everything.”
A general poll of students on campus found that, of those who knew what the Salamander was referring to, 100% had positive emotions towards the bridge.
Despite his internal struggle to reconcile the Irish quarter of his heritage with his “deep infatuation” of the British homeland, Worthington proudly announced that he “just can’t wait to stir the pot a bit”.
“It’s all about preparation. I had my laptop open at 9:55 and I’d logged in on my sister’s iPad just in case. Not to mention I’d already had my morning coffee!” the underachiever laughed.
"The Student’s Bitmoji shares their basic features, with the exception of face shape, eye shape, hair length, hair colour, body shape and overall basic attractiveness."
Editors of Mediocre Media Start-Up Crack 50 Likes, Reward Themselves with Well-Deserved 12 Day Break
"When this bad boy hits 100 they’ll come crawling back, don’t you worry. Just gotta wait for the holidays to finish up first.”
Guy You Hoped Was Three Layers Deep into Irony Definitely Actually Alt-right, Facebook Rant Confirms
“I should have known the moment I saw him angry react Richard Di Natale’s post. I don’t know. I guess I assumed he was deep in character?”
An unnamed first year tram enthusiast who signed up at the club’s first O’Week stand was bitterly disappointed to find out no one actually cared that much about the Swanston Street Tram.
Dominic discovered the occasionally interesting “Sassy Socialist Memes”. It was here that he felt, finally, he had an outlet through which he could express his revolutionary ideals.
“Sure, I might lose out on preselection once or twice,” she said. “But that isn’t where the money is. The money’s on Kristina, today, Bennelong, sportsbet.com.”
"ATAR Calc is full of shit,” he vented to the Salamander this morning. “I’m not gonna stop until these fuckheads are thrown in prison.”
At about 9:30, Daryl Braithwaite’s slapper “The Horses” was met with the enthusiasm of a white middle-aged suburban parent listening to the Oils on January 26.
“I mean, it’s not like I’ve never experienced discrimination before... So yeah, I’m pretty sure I am qualified to comment on the ‘Death of Europe’.”
Dr. Emiline Johnston-Levy has today expressed her deep regret in entrusting something so basic as common human decency to her students today.
“A full week of bangin’ babes and slingin’ schooners,” the virgin proudly boasted, copying verbatim something he’d heard a 3rd year say earlier that day.
A host of first year engineering majors left in disarray, when their laid-back-sandal-wearing-cool-uncle lecturer, Dr. Chris Hunter, went left of field today in his greeting.
Despite barely juggling an unhealthy work-life-study balance, two dangerously fatigued politics students have added a new satire website to the currently over-saturated fray of content, the Salamander has heard.
The Australian Bureau of Meteorology had, giggling, warned the Melbourne citizenry of a record breaking blow-out storm on the radar.