The Swanston Salamander


Socially Anxious Science Undergrad Rehearses “I’ve Already Voted” Line 26 Times In Head Before Approaching Baillieu

“I made a rant post on Unimelb Love Letters against student politicians but it didn’t seem to do the trick. Really shutting them down to their face though – boy, it doesn’t get better than that.”

raymond priestley

Young Nationals Member Nearly Loses Akubra to a Gusty Bit of Breeze

Losing it cuts a deeper blow than we, at the Salamander, being city-slickers with no comprehension of the world beyond our tiny elitist bubble, could ever understand.

The Swanston Salamander

Editors of Mediocre Student Blog Thing Crack 67 Likes, Reward Themselves Again with Well-Deserved 105 Day Break

"When this bad boy hits 100 they’ll come crawling back, don’t you worry. Just gotta wait for the midsems to finish up first.”


Stand Up! And More! To Incorporate “Unimelb Love Letters” into Election Platforms This September

"Jemima Copple, Shadow Director of the pretty-much-Leninist/socialist-but-not-quite Stand Up! ticket has confirmed that they’ll be using “Love Letters” as a cornerstone in their campaign this year."


Absolutely Mad Lad Jumps the Moat, Oh My God What a Legend

"He jumped the footpath next to it like a hundred times and kept asking everyone how far they thought it was to prove he could make the distance... It’s on my snap story if you wanna have a squiz.”


Greens on Campus AGM Postponed Due to Astrological Retrograde

“I’m sure those of you familiar with the workings of the cosmos understand that operating under such turbulent decisions throws not only our little Green family into troubled waters, but threatens the very spirit of the movement itself. Namaste”


Third Round Offer Recipient Just “Stoked” to Be Here

“I’m just having a ball,” he told us, climbing off the o’week bus, in the afterglow of 1000 “Monash is a second preference university” jokes. “Really just doing all I can to make the most of everything.”

bridge one

Extremely Convenient Bridge Across South Lawn Moat to be Installed and Then Removed Again, Probably

A general poll of students on campus found that, of those who knew what the Salamander was referring to, 100% had positive emotions towards the bridge.


Young Liberal “Ready and Raring” To Play Devil’s Advocate Again Next Week

Despite his internal struggle to reconcile the Irish quarter of his heritage with his “deep infatuation” of the British homeland, Worthington proudly announced that he “just can’t wait to stir the pot a bit”.

one abot timetable

Kid with Two Browsers Open All Over His Timetable This Year, Thanks

“It’s all about preparation. I had my laptop open at 9:55 and I’d logged in on my sister’s iPad just in case. Not to mention I’d already had my morning coffee!” the underachiever laughed.


Local 4 Creates an Unrecognisably Attractive Bitmoji

"The Student’s Bitmoji shares their basic features, with the exception of face shape, eye shape, hair length, hair colour, body shape and overall basic attractiveness."


Inspiring! This Grown Man Cries After Rediscovering his Year 10 Yearly Metcard

“A clear sign of the times, I reckon. These bad boys were sick. Especially the themed ones with ads and stuff on them.”


90% of Laughs During Lectures are Pity Laughs, Study Confirms

“It took everything in me to force myself to smile appreciatively and nod every time. I swear to God, it took years off my life.”

obike pic

Check Out This Guy Cycling Through Campus On an oBike, What a Flog

"We don’t need this bile on our campus. End of story. We all owe each other basic human respect.”

The Swanston Salamander

Editors of Mediocre Media Start-Up Crack 50 Likes, Reward Themselves with Well-Deserved 12 Day Break

"When this bad boy hits 100 they’ll come crawling back, don’t you worry. Just gotta wait for the holidays to finish up first.”

mr milo loving man

Guy You Hoped Was Three Layers Deep into Irony Definitely Actually Alt-right, Facebook Rant Confirms

“I should have known the moment I saw him angry react Richard Di Natale’s post. I don’t know. I guess I assumed he was deep in character?”

swanston street

University “Special Interest” Club Not Fooling Anyone

An unnamed first year tram enthusiast who signed up at the club’s first O’Week stand was bitterly disappointed to find out no one actually cared that much about the Swanston Street Tram.

sassy socialist meme

First Year Tagging Mates In “Sassy Socialist Memes” Really, Really Fucking Clever

Dominic discovered the occasionally interesting “Sassy Socialist Memes”. It was here that he felt, finally, he had an outlet through which he could express his revolutionary ideals.


Labor Left Hack Puts Aside Factional Drama, Places $30 on Kristina Keneally

“Sure, I might lose out on preselection once or twice,” she said. “But that isn’t where the money is. The money’s on Kristina, today, Bennelong,”

atar calc

Camberwell Grammar Graduate “Knuckling Up” to Sue ATAR Calculator Over Sub-Optimal VCE Results

"ATAR Calc is full of shit,” he vented to the Salamander this morning. “I’m not gonna stop until these fuckheads are thrown in prison.”

guy partying

Stranger’s Lo-fi Soundcloud Mix Easily The Worst Thing They Could Have Turned Off “Khe Sahn” For

At about 9:30, Daryl Braithwaite’s slapper “The Horses” was met with the enthusiasm of a white middle-aged suburban parent listening to the Oils on January 26.


Young Liberal Draws on Irish Ancestry to Claim Minority Points in First Year Power Tute

“I mean, it’s not like I’ve never experienced discrimination before... So yeah, I’m pretty sure I am qualified to comment on the ‘Death of Europe’.”

google doc

Innovative Tutor Sending Out Google Doc Link Really Thought it Would Work This Time

Dr. Emiline Johnston-Levy has today expressed her deep regret in entrusting something so basic as common human decency to her students today.

the crown

“Member” of the Republican Movement Reportedly Cried in Episode Two of “The Crown”

“Princess Margaret was hot,” he tried to justify. "Rack off!"

beer pong

Kid Who Didn’t Drink Until He Was 18 Pretty Keen To Get Around Prosh This Year

“A full week of bangin’ babes and slingin’ schooners,” the virgin proudly boasted, copying verbatim something he’d heard a 3rd year say earlier that day.

milo yiannopoulos

Hilarious! We Rank Milos From 1-10

You'll never see number 5 coming!


Lecturer Opens Week 1 Lecture With a Confident “G’day”, Report Confirms

A host of first year engineering majors left in disarray, when their laid-back-sandal-wearing-cool-uncle lecturer, Dr. Chris Hunter, went left of field today in his greeting.

girl with logo thing jpg

Two Exhausted Politics Majors Launch Satire Website to Offset Crippling Depression and Loneliness

Despite barely juggling an unhealthy work-life-study balance, two dangerously fatigued politics students have added a new satire website to the currently over-saturated fray of content, the Salamander has heard.


‘I Can’t Believe You Fell For It’: BoM Responds to Disappointed City-Wide Storm Enthusiasts

The Australian Bureau of Meteorology had, giggling, warned the Melbourne citizenry of a record breaking blow-out storm on the radar.