Socially Anxious Science Undergrad Rehearses “I’ve Already Voted” Line 26 Times In Head Before Approaching Baillieu
Whilst Simmons admits his defence – which he’d practiced 26 times in his head for this very occasion – was delivered a bit too eagerly, he couldn’t help but enjoy the endorphin rush after finally being able to unleash his pent-up resentment against student politicians.
Young Nationals Member Nearly Loses Akubra to a Gusty Bit of Breeze
Proud Ormondian Samuel Grape has today had a bit of a nasty encounter with Mother Nature as his Year-12-Graduation-Akubra was nearly pushed off his head by a particularly strong southerly.…
Editors of Mediocre Student Blog Thing Crack 67 Likes, Reward Themselves with Well-Deserved 105 Day Break
The founders of a largely unremarkable student media project have celebrated hitting 67 likes on Facebook with a totally unnecessary hiatus from posting, the Salamander has heard today. The two…
Stand Up! And More! To Incorporate “Unimelb Love Letters” into Election Platforms This September
The recent development and popularity of the “Unimelb Love Letters” page, which was created as a response to a series of similar pages such as the often unreadable “Here’s Looking…
Absolutely Mad Lad Jumps the Moat, Oh My God What a Legend
Local loose unit Josh Lobster has come into the spotlight again after successfully jumping over the South Lawn moat at the pres for a Science Society hosted party, the Salamander…
Greens on Campus AGM Postponed Due to Astrological Retrograde
Incumbent Secretary of the Greens on Campus political club Rachael Bloomingdale has today apologised to its 120 members for rescheduling the upcoming AGM due to a “disturbance in the cosmos,…
Third Round Offer Recipient Just “Stoked” to Be Here
George Marley, incoming B-Sci student (just), is genuinely just very, very happy to be here, a recent questionnaire conducted by the Salamander has found. Marley, who scraped into his course…
New To Campus? Where to Caffeinate
Ah, Melbourne. Internationally renowned for its scintillating brews, our little gem of a hometown is the perfect place to caffeinate yourself into functionality. However, the sheer number of options we’re…
Extremely Convenient Bridge Across South Lawn Moat to be Installed and Then Removed Again, Probably
A spokesperson from the University was not contacted today by the Salamander, but if they were they’d likely confirm that the helpful, highly functional and widely worshipped bridge across the…
Young Liberal “Ready and Raring” To Play Devil’s Advocate Again Next Week
High-school debating runner-up and Treasurer of the University of Melbourne Young Liberals, Lachlan Worthington has today confirmed to the Salamander that his recurring role as a deliberate antagonist during his…